23 May 2007

the ponderous patient: the list

in the midst of my appointment with mr_dr_do today, he wondered aloud as to where he was on my "list." for some reason, he thinks i have a list of physicians in some sort of order--like my own personal rankings. lol. i've been a patient for a long time, but i don't make a habit of going back to "repeat offenders." nevertheless, i've since been pondering this list notion and have decided it would be pretty funny to give out some "awards," particularly to a few choice physicians whom i sincerely hope are no longer in practice anymore or that i hope have since learned not to do what they did to me and/or to my friends/relatives/etc. i certainly can't and won't mention names...but there may prove to be some great healing humor in this. feel free to add your own favorites! :-)

toad awards:

  • worst doctor ever award: dr_suicide. dr_suicide was my friend's psychiatrist. he wins the worst doctor ever award for telling my friend, during a suicidal episode, that life would never get better and that it would always be bad. needless to say, my friend attempted suicide after that appointment. that's a hell of a way to lighten a case load!
  • worst pelvic exam award: dr_3_fingers. this particular er doc performed a bimanual exam that nearly made me jump off the examining table. his response to my distress: "sorry, i'll only use two fingers next time."
  • worst rectal exam award: dr_gi_partner. this gi doc was a partner of a gi doc i had during one of my surgeries. put it this way: he must have learned in anatomy that you can palpate the brain through the rectum. enough said.
  • needs to remediate english award: dr_doogie. dr_doogie was a very young o.b./g.y.n. assigned to me at a small town hospital when i was in college. i discovered, upon obtaining my medical records, that he did not know the difference between an adjective and a noun. it's "virgin," you idiot, not "virginal." at least, not unless the patient's name happens to be mary and the year is 33 b.c.e.!
  • worst bedside manner: dr_old_gyn_surgeon. i heard the doctor i was seeing for an acute surgical problem talk to this guy in the hallway while i was still in the exam room (where the partner, who gets the worst bedside manner runner-up award, had left me in stirrups!). he'd never met me--didn't know anything about me except my age--and managed to blurt out: "well, if we go in there now, we'll have to take 1/2 her ovary. then in two years, we'll have to take the other 1/2. two years after that, we'll have to take the other, and, by the time she's 30 and wants to have kids, there will be nothing left!" he then flies into the room and proceeds to probe me with the ultrasound machine. (note to future doctors: don't assume that (a) every woman wants to reproduce, (b) every woman is straight, and (c) if you're a gyn, that every adenexal mass in a 20-something is ovarian--it was my *appendix* they were seeing on the scan, *not* my ovary. i'd have *died* if they hadn't done surgery. can't have kids if i'm dead, you know?)
  • most outrageous solicitation award: dr_repro_endo, in new England. no, i will not buy the cholesterol supplements that your husband has left medical practice to sell. i will not buy them even if you say you won't treat me unless i take them. if you want to sell stuff, join Amway.
  • sexist award: dr_teeth. i hate to break it to this guy, but having a statue of a "lady in distress" being saved by an oral surgeon does *not* earn him a vote of confidence from a woman, even if he was born before 1920.
  • w "family values" award: dr_teen_ob. my friend, who had a baby when she was in her teens and living in a small town, delivered her baby in the presence of this doctor, who gave her a completely unnecessary grade 4 episiotomy. i'm usually not the type to promote revenge, but i hope this guy ends up as my friend's patient...with a very embarrassing problem. have issues with teen pregnancy? then don't go into obstetrics!
those are just the ones that i can think of off the top of my head. there have been more, many more...i'll add more later....

[oh, and mr_dr_do, if you happen to have found my blog and are reading this, you no doubt now realize that you're nowhere near to getting on this particular list! don't worry!]

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a little disclaimer...

i'm a medical student. just a student. so please, don't take anything i say too seriously. remember that i was an english literature major as an undergrad, so there is much fiction to be found in these pages. do you think i'm telling a story about you or your illness? more likely, you're tapping into my sense of "everyman"--that is, your story resonates with what i write here because it's not so uncommon after all. need help? please, please go see your physician. <--i'm not her. yet. ;-)